Infertility Update

On Friday I received a life changing phone call from the uterine transplant program at Baylor in regards to screening for acceptance into their trials. I had applied a year ago and never heard back. I figured I wasn’t eligible and just accepted I probably was not going to be able to receive the transplant. Friday, a friend I know who has already gone through with the transplant, asked me if I was still interested. I quickly responded “yes!!” and within 20 minutes I got the call.

I was every emotion you could think of. Excited, nervous, anxious, and I didn’t know what was going to come of this conversation. What is odd about all of this is the night before, I spent an hour on the phone with my sister and we talked about how Graham and I are really going to start exploring our options this year in how we want to start our family. And then this happened the next day. Was this a sign? I spent about 30 min on the phone with them, going over the timeline, what the whole procedure looked like, and the requirements. My first thought was I can’t believe this is happening. This is something I have dreamed about since I was first diagnosed with MRKH. I remember thinking to myself 10 years ago…I wonder if they will do transplants in my lifetime. Probably not. But you never know. And here I was. On the phone with the transplant nurse.

The conversation went really well. And then the kicker came. I would have to be within 50 miles of Dallas at all times. Which Austin is not. So hurdle number one-move to Dallas. Big life change, and not an easy feat. It also, would happen extremely fast. I’m talking, if I am officially accepted start IVF right away, which would cost us about $20k, and the transplant would take place in May or June. Of this year. Woah. I was not expecting this at all. I immediately started to feel overwhelmed. I just started my new job 5 days ago. A job I actually really enjoy. This job was a door that was opened for me, where I took a risk, and I walked through that door. And I am so happy I did. And yet, another door has been presented to me, 5 days later, wide open, asking me to walk through and I’m stuck in my tracks. My feet not wanting to move. What. Is. Happening.

I knew I needed to discuss all of this with Graham, and I took the next 4 hours to speak to a few people closest to me and get their thoughts. I knew I needed to make this decision for myself, but I needed some guidance as well. I left work feeling confused, as to what I was supposed to do. This was a chance at our own baby. Growing in my own belly. Why would I not do this? When Graham got home, we sat out side on our patio and talked through it all and took the weekend to process this opportunity and what it would look like if we moved forward. Talk about scary, life changing decisions.

Well, here I am, 3 days later and I’ve made the tough decision that even though this is literally my dream, carrying my own child in my belly, it is not the right timing. I officially responded to them this morning that I will not be moving forward. I’m heart broken. Defeated. I am not sure what God is planning for me. At all. Or why He presented this to me now. I am trying to find peace that I am making the right decision. For me and my husband. I don’t know if I am making the biggest mistake of my life, and if I will ever be given this opportunity again. I am trying to stay positive, and we will continue to explore other options. Right now, it is looking like we will start with IVF, freeze our embryos, and hopefully find a gestational surrogate to carry our miracle baby for us. Adoption is also still on the table. Until then, please pray for us. That we made the right decision, and that the right opportunity will present itself for us, so we can have our baby Shipley.

xx Sam

Paris Itinerary & Travel Guide

I can’t believe it has been over two months already since Graham and I took our first overseas adventure together! We had been dreaming of this trip for y e a r s. We couldn’t afford it before we moved to Austin, then we got married, went on a honeymoon, bought our first house, and it just got put on the back burner year after year. Until finally, this last February, Graham sent me a screenshot of our tickets to Paris. When I saw it, I burst into tears. We were finally making our dream a reality! We booked the start of our 14 day trip for the end of September, and here is how we did it…

First, I want to give you the BEST tip for traveling. Drum roll please……Google Flights. If you’ve never used Google Flights for booking your trips, you need to make the switch solely because of their Flight Tracker feature. When prices increase or decrease from when you initially searched, you get a notification. No lie, we got our two round trip tickets for $900. For the BOTH of us! I had always figured we would spend close to $2,000 on our flights, and we were shocked at how cheap we got them for! We also selected multiple cities in Europe to fly into for the tracker to compare. While Paris was not initially on the top of our list, it ended up being the deal we couldn’t pass up. We booked it, decided that we would start and end our trip in Paris, and figure out the rest in between. And I am SO happy we decided to start our Europe adventure in this beautiful city.

 

Where we stayed:

Hotel M Saint Germain for two nights

 

How I decided on our hotel:

Obviously I had never been to Paris and had NO idea what area of the city to stay in. I did tons of research and originally I wanted the ”Instagram-worthy-Eiffel-Tour-view-from-my-balcony-window” room, but we decided on the Pantheon District. It is a super upbeat, lively, and culturally rich neighborhood with tons of little cafe’s and bars lined on every street. Tons of little shops, farmers markets, crepe stands, and you can’t forget the bread bakeries so you can grab yourself a baguette for a morning or afternoon snack. Our Hotel was also a 7 minute walk from Notre Dame which was a big plus for us. It was a little bit of a walk to the Eiffel Tower from our hotel, but we fully engrossed ourselves in this experience and the long walks throughout the city were fine for us. We actually really enjoyed it. Would I recommend this hotel and neighborhood? Yes! The hotel is super vibrant, eclectic, and quirky and we love rooms that don’t feel like a Holiday Inn. Ultimately, you can get around the city pretty easily by walking, electric scooter, or by Uber and I never felt like we were missing out on anything or in the wrong neighborhood. Ultimately, do plenty of research on the different neighborhoods of the city and narrow that down before you pick your hotel.

 

Day 1

We knew our first day was going to be hard because we landed at 7:30 am Paris time which was around midnight back home. We had two flights and had been traveling all day prior. Also, the airport is actually quite a bit further away from downtown Paris, so it took over an hour to get to the city once we got a cab. Thankfully we got an early check in at our hotel, and while we thought we would fight through the urge to sleep, we ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Or five…Whoops! After we got some sleep, we threw on some clothes and hit the streets. First stop was obvious, the Eiffel Tower. It was about a 2.5 mile walk, but this gave us the opportunity to really see the city and soak it all in. All of the towering white buildings with iron balconies, the green vines gently draping the walls, booming cathedrals with Parisian couples making out on the steps, the smell of fresh crepes being made on every corner. It was exactly how I thought it would be..but even better. I was in complete awe of its beauty and instantly felt the magic.

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We cut through Jardin des Plantes, the main botanical garden, which was a beautiful sight to see in the fall. I think my favorite part of the garden was the perfectly lined rows of trees, the ground filled with orange and red leaves, and the groups of people playing their afternoon chess matches underneath them.

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We finally made it to Champ de Mars, the park at the base of the Eiffel Tower. Words cannot describe seeing it in person. It took my breath away! We got our tourist pictures, stopped at a crepe stand, grabbed a bench in the park and just enjoyed the views. People were having picnics with their wine and bread, vendors selling roses and beer, thousands of pictures were being taken, it was incredible.

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The sun was starting to make its way back down, so we decided to make our way back to the Pantheon district. On our way back, the smell of fresh bread filled the air. Everyone was lining up at all the bakeries for their afternoon baguette, totally a thing here. And something I will gladly support 😉 So, of course, we joined too! Seriously though… the BEST bread I’ve ever had!! Good crunchy crust on the outside, warm and doughy on the inside. H e a v e n. baguette2.jpg

 

We were still pretty exhausted from our travels and didn’t have any dinner reservations, so we decided to keep it simple and just winged it. We walked a couple blocks down from our hotel and found a cute little cafe called Le Metro Cafe Saint Germain. Red table linens covered each table, and they served you a cute little bowl of popcorn as a table snack. We both ordered the French Onion Soup which was not a mistake. Holy cow. I mean, where better than the heart of Paris to have French onion soup? To. Die. For.

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We ended dinner with a shot of espresso and then we headed back to the hotel. Graham instantly fell asleep, and I tip toed over to our balcony window, opened it, and sat at the ledge. I stared out the window watching all the people stroll by, listened to the sounds of cars honking and drunk friends laughing. All the buildings lining the street were lit up and you could hear soft music playing. I was just in awe. I thought to myself, I can’t believe I am here, we are actually here! I sat there for a good twenty minutes just enjoying my own company, staring out at the streets, all with a big smile on my face. I was ready for a busy, but exciting day in the morning.

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Day 2

We woke up and had our first European breakfast, which we were both very excited about. If you don’t know us personally, we LOVE breakfast (ok but who doesn’t). I was intrigued as to what a European breakfast would look like. And I was pleasantly surprised! Croissants (obviously), a wide array of different pastries, berry yogurt, every kind of cheese you could think of, eggs, bacon, and the kicker… deli meat. Yup. Europeans eat deli meat for breakfast. I thought it was weird at first, but it is so good! Fresh salami, prosciutto, ham, you name it. A+ for breakfast Paris. After we ate we decided the first stop on our 2nd (and last 😦 ) day in Paris is Notre Dame *instantly thinks of Hunchback and Esmeralda and how I hope I get to see them*. Anyways, we took a very pretty but short walk to the cathedral and we get to this bridge. As soon as you start to cross it, boom. There she is.

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I mean come on… is this real?! The original cathedral was built in the 4th or 5th century but torn down and rebuilt starting in 1160’s. The gothic style architecture was breathtaking, with gargoyles lining each side and intricate detail on every inch of the building.

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The inside was even more beautiful. Stained glass windows were perfectly placed around the whole cathedral. I was obsessed with the iron chandeliers and the huge archways lining the walkways.

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It is truly something you have to see in person to fully understand the beauty. Besides the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame is at the top of my list for MUST see landmarks and monuments in Paris. Don’t skip over it.

After Notre Dame we made our way to the Arc de Triomphe, an iconic monument in Paris. The Arc is surrounded by a huge shopping area with tons of restaurants as well. We stopped at a little café and grabbed some drinks and some frites (because this girl NEVER turns down french fries) and then did some window shopping. After some exploring we grabbed some Bird’s (electronic scooters) and went on a mission to find a French Macarons shop. We stumbled upon this cute little shop where a man helped me make my own box to go. He was polite and asked “where are you from?”. We said “Texas” and his eyes lit up and he responds, “Ooooo! From Austin?!” Graham and I stopped, looked at each other and said “Yes!!” We were shocked that he knew of Austin! We started talking to him about how warm it is back home, and that people don’t actually walk around with horses and cowboy hats (well maybe in west Texas they do) but it was actually really cool to have a personal conversation with a local. And look how cute these macarons are! They tasted even better 🙂

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We made our way back to our hotel and got ready for our dinner reservations. This is probably one of my favorite things we did during our time in Paris, and I recommend anyone visiting to book this. We booked a dinner cruise on the Seine with Bateaux Parisian. It is a river cruise, where you can enjoy lunch, dinner, or just sight seeing with the BEST views of the city. We decided on the 8:00pm cruise and upgraded to the front of the boat. I mean when in Paris right? We were greeted with glasses of champagne, enjoyed a four-course meal with complimentary drinks, and saw the best views of the city all lit up. The cruise was about a 2.5 hour experience, and definitely worth the money. At night, the Eiffel Tower sparkles for 5 minutes every hour, on the hour. It was magical to float next to the tower, sipping a glass of champagne, while a woman on board is singing romantic songs in French. Our waiter also had a fascination for Texas and told us a story about how his father fought along side a man from Texas in a war. His father would tell him stories about this man and he told us “He was the strongest man he has ever seen” while holding his biceps in the air. We were starting to realize that being from Texas wasn’t a bad thing 😉

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As the cruise was coming to an end, I realized how quickly our time in Paris was ending. We were leaving in the morning for Florence, and I told Graham I wanted to walk to the tower one last time. We walked hand in hand to the base of the tower and just gazed up at it. I knew I was going to miss it here. I wished we had more time to see the things we didn’t have time to see, and I wasn’t sure if we would ever be back. But I was content knowing that we created so many great memories and did as much as we could in the two days we were here. I left a little piece of my heart in Paris. But this was only the beginning. Italy was right around the corner.

 

xx Sam

Current Favorites and What I’m Buying!

Ok! This is a little different from my first two posts, but you have to broaden your horizons right? A large majority of you said you would like to see what items I am currently loving and can’t live without.  I am actually really excited for this because quite a few of you have been asking me questions about specific items and this puts them all together. This one will be specifically clothing items and I made sure to include the links for each one so you can go right to it.

So, without further ado, here is my first list of favorites and what I’m buying!

First up, S W E A T E R S ❤

Sweater weather is in full force. The best time of year, can I get an AMEN? Big, oversized, comfy sweaters are so in right now, and I made sure to stock up. Graham even said to me “where did you get all of these?!” He just doesn’t understand the obsession (love you honey). Here are a few of my holy grail sweaters this season:

  1. This Oversize Turtleneck Sweater by LEITH from Nordstrom. SO comfy and the color is to die for. It is definitely more camel colored in person, I have a picture posted on my Instagram for reference! Since it’s oversized, I went with a small and it fits perfectly. Under $100, and definitely a must have in my opinion!

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2. I am OBSESSED with this modern and sophisticated sweater by TOPSHOP from Nordstrom. It has a flattering mock neck, and I feel sassy when I wear it. Oversized, comfy, and it looks great with jeans and booties. Put some statement earrings on and you have yourself a gorgeous outfit. I went with a small, and it fits perfectly. Navy.PNG

3. This lightweight, backless sweater from Lulus is probably my favorite I’ve purchased this season! The exposed back, the color, and it looks perfect with jeans and my favorite OTK boots. Since it is technically oversized, I went with a small. It fits great, but for a true oversized look, a medium would be perfect. The shoulders tend to fall a little, so I recommend wearing a strapless bra with this one, and I love wearing it off the shoulder on one side. Grey.PNG

4. Lastly, this V Neck sweater by BP from Nordstrom. The color is called Olive Italy, and it definitely looks more green in person. I love the balloon sleeves, and always wear this with my favorite high waist jeans (which I will be getting to shortly). This sweater is not oversized, so order your normal size. Olive.PNG

Alright, next up.. my holy grail jeans!

  1. As stated above, these are my favorite jeans right now. I’ve already converted one babe to this first pair [ you know who you are 😉 ] and I hope you guys go out and get these. Seriously. The BEST pair of jeans I own. High waist, hugs in all the right spots, and makes everything from your waist down look perfect. Since they are high-waisted, you can go down one size and they will fit perfectly. Don’t walk, RUN and get these. Currently on sale for $79.99. Originally $135!curvy
  2. My other favorite pair right now is these Madewell 10″ High Rise Skinny Jeans. Such a staple in my wardrobe. If you’ve never owned a pair of Madewell Jeans, these are a perfect first pair. Amazing quality, super comfortable, and VERY flattering. I wear them multiple times a week! Since they are high-waisted, you can go down 1 size, and with the stretch of the material they will fit perfectly!High Rise.PNG

And now for the best part… SHOES. A girl can never have too many shoes, although our significant others might disagree. My secret? Tell him I’ve had them for a while 😉 LOL kidding! He’s too smart for that.

Here are some of my favorites right now:

  1. I just got these babies in a few weeks ago and have received so many compliments! I’ve worn these to work, and for a night out downtown and I swear to the shoe gods my feet were not killing me by the end of the night. The slit up the top of the shoe is super flattering, and you can definitely wear these to dress up a more casual outfit! One thing I will suggest is to order 1/2 size down from your normal size. The slit causes the foot to move a little more freely. I ended up just buying some heel stickies to help keep my feet in, and that works too! Shoe 1.PNG

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2. Man oh man these Marc Fisher OTK Boots are so pretty 😍 And comfortable! I was a little hesitant with the pointed toe on them, but once I put them on and wore them around, I knew they were a solid purchase. And these boots DO. NOT. SLIP. I repeat. They don’t slip or fall down! Probably my favorite thing about them. I purchased the grey ones, but the black would be perfect too!Boots.PNG

3.  Every girl needs a cute pair of booties, and these are my go to! Super comfortable, the camel suede goes perfect with denim or black jeans (or leggings!) and very reasonably priced!

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4. When I need (ok want) to dress up or have an evening event to go to, I always whip these out. These are PERFECT for a night out as well, or even your next holiday party! I’ve worn these with dresses, denim, they literally go with anything. The block heel helps support your feet to keep you comfortable. They have a ton of colors, but I think the black suede is such a classic look. These fit true to size.

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5. Lastly, these loafers from ALDO are a staple for me. Perfect for work, going out, traveling, you name it. And let me tell you, I wore these all throughout Europe. Yup. You heard me. From day one in Paris to our last day in Positano, these shoes kept my feet comfortable all while looking cute and chic! (I refused to wear tennis shoes every day lol) They are still in good shape, still comfortable, and I’ll probably buy another pair as back up when these ones need to be retired.

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Last but not least, I wanted to share an accessory  that I can’t live without right now:

This Coin Layered Necklace from Madewell is to die for. The thing I love the most about these is how they are three separate pieces. Very classic and elegant, and who doesn’t love gold jewelry? necklace.PNG

That was actually really fun! I hope you all enjoyed reading through some of my favorite items right now and hopefully you found something you might also love! Also, keep an eye out for a favorite skin care and makeup list soon.

Thank you all for supporting me. It means the world.

xx Sam

I Am One In 5,000- Living With MRKH Pt. 2

I am one in 5,000. Crazy right? One in five thousand really isn’t that rare. If you think about it, there are 7.442 BILLION people on this planet. If you were to say approximately half of those 7.442 billion people are women, that’s around 744,200 women out there who are like me. Who feel different. Who were told we would never experience a woman’s greatest joy- having a child. 

After finding out my diagnosis, that’s when things really started to change. I was already going through the joys of being a teenage girl. Can you say attitude. I also had previous bouts of depression growing up. My parents sent me to counseling in the past, although I really don’t think it helped much. Then throw in the fact that I was now different than everyone else around me, like really different, and feeling I had to keep this huge moment in my life a secret. I mean, who would understand? It’s kind of hard to be upfront and honest with people and say “Hey, guess what? I don’t have a uterus, I’ll never have my first period, and I can’t have babies!”. Or how to handle normal every day situations. Like when a woman asks you “Hey do you have a tampon?” or when you’re talking to friends and they say “Do you crave chocolate as much as I do when you’re PMSing?” I had to lie. Lie as best I could. And I’ve been lying for the last 10 years. On the inside, I was dying. Will I say something wrong? Will they find out I don’t get my period? I never carry tampons with me. Maybe I should take some of my sisters and keep them in my back pack. It was those moments that really started to affect me. I really started to spiral.

I put my parents through the ringer. I think it was a mix of being upset about my diagnosis but also being upset that no one in my family really knew how to handle all of this. I felt like I was walking in the dark with no flashlight. No guidance. No hand to hold. I felt like I was going through this alone. I was stealing money from my parents and my sisters, sneaking out, not coming home. I was dealing with it the only way I thought I could. I was desperate for acceptance and attention.

One of the biggest worries I had was finding a partner who would understand. Let me back up and explain something. This is getting a little personal but I think it’s important. MRKH affects the growth of your reproductive organs. I have my ovaries but no uterus. Since I have no uterus, I have no cervix. And no cervix meant under developed on the inside, if you know what I mean. I could have sex, but it would have been painful. My doctor said I could have a surgery to help with that. So I did. Which was traumatizing on its own. I was in the hospital for ten days. On top of recovery time after that. Try explaining all of that to your friends. And then the thought of finding a man you love and care about and having to tell him all of this? Not having a uterus. Not having a period. Not ever being able to get pregnant; the only way I could have a child is to have a surrogate or to adopt. Frightening. Terrifying. I convinced myself no man would ever understand. That it was weird. That they wouldn’t want a woman who couldn’t have children. I really felt I would never be good enough to any man. That is, until I met Graham.

I’ve always told Graham he was the one who saved me. Saved me from going down a really bad road. He was my breath of fresh air. He is funny, hilarious really. Ambitious. A little hard headed. Pretty handsome too 😉 But mostly, he makes me feel safe. I remember the very moment I told him about MRKH and what that meant. We went for a drive. Going for drives was our thing. We parked in some parking lot and were just talking. It took everything I had in me to tell him. I was so afraid. Afraid of rejection, confusion, the unknown of what he would think. I told him. He didn’t even blink an eye. He of course had questions, understandably, but I never for a moment felt that he didn’t want to be with me because of it. We obviously were in no rush to have kids at the age of nineteen. But I wanted him to know. He deserved to know. I did think about how it would look when we were older. Like we are now. Married, a fur child, buying our first house, people all around us starting families. All of the pregnancy announcements, the baby bump pictures, the baby showers. I figured it would be hard, but that I could handle it. That we could handle it. Looking back and then looking at where we are now, 8 years later, I had no idea how hard it would really be. To yearn for that next step. To grow a baby in my belly, hear it’s little heartbeat, feel all the little kicks, raise our own family.

But I can’t.  

xx Sam

My Infertility Journey- Living With MRKH. Pt. 1

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Do you remember what your life was like at the age of sixteen? I can like it was yesterday. All the raging hormones, pimples, day dreaming about your crush, getting your drivers license, rebelling against your parents (ok maybe I was a terrible child) but you know what I mean. Life was pretty easy and carefree. Sure, you had school and somewhat of a social life to manage. But it was pretty damn e a s y. Now, imagine being a sixteen year old female, trying to figure out who you are, and finding out you will never bear children. Awful right? Well, I can tell you first hand it was the single hardest moment I have ever experienced in my twenty-six years on earth so far. I am still dealing with it to this day. The moment those words came out of my doctors mouth, my life completely changed. And that was only the beginning of it.

I’ll take you back to how I found out I was infertile. When I was fifteen, I still hadn’t had my first period. My mom just thought I was a late bloomer and brushed it off. That was, until my younger sister who was thirteen, started her period. I remember being kind of jealous. How come my younger sister had her period and I hadn’t? My mom would ask me “Are you sure you haven’t had your period and you’re just nervous to tell me?”. I was a very shy kid, very closed off and kind of awkward. But I hadn’t “become a woman” yet. My mom let some time pass and when I turned sixteen, she decided that something wasn’t right. She took me to my first of many appointments. My first was with my OB/GYN.

I remember being calm, but nervous at the same time. Surely, everything was fine. My mom was just being cautious. She asked if I wanted her in the room with me and I said absolutely not. I had never been to an OB appointment and I did not want my mom with me. I thought everything was fine and I could handle it. I was a mature sixteen year old girl after all. *eye-roll* My doctor came in and gave me my exam. My very first exam at that. She was very quiet. I’ll never forget her face. She paused, and said she needed to step out. I remember laying there, with my legs in the air, only in a gown, really starting to get worried. Did she see or feel something? Why did she leave? She had gone to get my mom. She knocked on the door and said “Samantha, you can get comfortable I am bringing in your mom, ok?” I sat up, crossed my legs, and they both came in. She told us she wasn’t exactly sure what she was seeing and that I needed to see a specialist. A specialist? What was wrong with me? What was going on down there? At this point, I am starting to freak out. I am embarrassed, confused, and the look of worry on my moms face made me feel worse. We left and that’s when all the other appointments started.

The next appointment was at an infertility clinic. I remember walking in, checking in for the appointment, and the front desk gal looking at me like why is a sixteen year old girl at an infertility clinic? I remember the other patients looking at me weird too. As we were waiting I sat next to a woman looking at pamphlets about IVF, surrogacy, and sperm donors. What the heck was I doing here? I wanted to run out the door. The appointment did not go well at all. I left bawling my eyes out and feeling violated. My mom was visibly upset as well. He referred me to another specialist. I was starting to get really frustrated. I had no idea what was going on and my mom wasn’t really explaining anything to me. I think she was having just as hard of a time as I was.

A couple weeks later we go to the next specialist appointment, and the name of the clinic was “Women’s Cancer Care of Seattle”. I looked at the name on the door and then to my mom with fear. “Why are we here? Do I have cancer?” I asked her. She said “I don’t have all the answers, we will get more information today”. I was officially terrified. I was convinced I had cancer. After the appointment, followed by MRI’s and other tests, I finally had my diagnosis of MRKH. MRKH is a syndrome disorder that affects females and their reproductive systems where the uterus is severely under developed or absent. She sat my mom and me down. I really did like this doctor, she was finally able to give me a diagnosis. But I felt like she was mainly talking to my mom and not directly to me, the one who is actually dealing with all of this. I started to zone out. What did this mean? Am…am I a girl? Will anyone understand? I looked to my doctor and with tears in my eyes I asked.. “Am I a girl?” She said “Oh yes, you are absolutely a girl, you have XX chromosomes. You just will not be able to bear children. You don’t have a uterus”. Those words and that moment will forever be with me. And my life was completely changed.

I am one in 5,000.

xx Sam